A talk by Humaira Salman at Al Birr Institute

Among your siblings, which number were you? Were you the eldest? The youngest? Or somewhere in the middle?

Rewind. Go back to your childhood. How did you feel about this position? Being the eldest did you feel you were always under the radar for setting the right example? Always being told to give levee to your younger siblings only because they were younger? If you were the youngest, did you feel no one took you seriously and were given no importance? Being in the middle, did you feel you were the picture of the middle child syndrome, having to woo attention of your parents that was often given to the eldest or youngest?

If you felt any of this, hold on to this feeling.

Now, to the topic of our discussion. Nurturing Individuality. What comes to your mind when you think “nurture?” Among the many words and pictures that appear in your mind the picture of a plant is sure to pop up. And the words “air, water, soil, sunlight”. So if we were to think about nurturing a plant, we’re thinking of the gardener having to ensure that the plant gets all of these, according to the need of that particular plant. Some plants are indoor plants, while others are meant to be in the sun. Some need more water and some less. A seasoned gardener knows the need of his plants and caters to each individually. If a plant needs support, he gives it, when it ready to stand up alone, he removes it. And that is how each plant is different from another in its beauty and nature. It’s what makes it different.

And likewise, each child is different from another, and it is in maintaining this difference that he stands out as unique. As parents we struggle to cater to each child’s needs and wish we could water them all the same, and give the same amount of light. But that would only quash the very child we were hoping to nurture. As a parent, our role is exactly that of a gardener, giving our child the right environment to grow and then wait for the right time for it to. We trim the plant and reign in it when needed. But if all we did to the plant was this, then what growth can we expect. As parents, if we fill our days with with instruction, supervision and corrections, little time is left to give them the nurturing environment they need. Are we then surprised our beautiful little plants seem to be withering away?

Now think back to the first question. Your own childhood and how you felt wronged by where and how you were placed in the family tree. Our children also fall into one of those places, and do they not experience similar emotions? We never liked being there, so why would they?

So, what really does this translate into for us parents? What do we need to give our children? A good place to begin is to see what we don’t need to give them.

No-nos when it comes to nurturing individuality.

1. Comparison

You cannot compare your child to your nephew or his friend. You do not see that child 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. You are basing your entire judgement on a few moments of interaction. And that too in a position that you do not share with that child. As an outsider. A child will always have a different relationship with his mother than he would with anyone in the world. The equation is entirely different. No common ground to compare.
The comparison should neither be vocal. Nor in the head.
Instead of draining energies on comparing, spend time looking for what your child is doing well, and cherish it.

2. Sarcasm

Remove sarcasm from daily communication. Comments like “you did poorly in your test. Just as I thought”.

3. Don’t remind them of their mistakes

To prove a point or teach a lesson, do not remind them of their mistakes, or the time you took them to task for something. Both bring humiliation and suppress growth.

Now that we’ve got the NOs, let’s get down to what should be done.

1. One-on-one time

No matter how many children you have, keep room for one-on-one time with each child. How does this work? When do you do it? It’s all about picking up a lead. When your child asks you for some attention, some input, tugs at your kameez while youre cooking, asking you to read a book to him, that’s the time you turn off the stove and cash on the opportunity to nurture your child and fulfil his needs. The more you quench their need for attention, the lesser will be its need. If you are caught up in something important and urgent, give the child a time frame for when you will give her time, and fulfil your word.
If the children have crossed 10 years and the realization has dawned upon you now for spending time with them, you will now need to find moments when they are free and enter their space with a topic of their interest, not yours.
This time is about the child, not for asking about their homework, their lessons and tests. Make this time cheri shable.

2. Precise encouragement

When the child shares something with you, whether it is him showing you some achievement, a drawing, a project, give complete attention with precise appreciation. “yeah great drawing” , while you’re looking into the pot for cooking, doesn’t do much. “I see your colour palette is very vibrant” while looking at the artwork is going to give your child a sense of achievement and the drive to raise the bar.

3. Let them dream

She wants to invent a car that can fly? Let her dream. Don’t let it come crashing down. You do not know the world your child will be living in and who knows there will be cars that can fly. Let that car be the one your child made.

Nurture them so no matter which number they were in their siblings, it didn’t matter to them because each one was an individual, not disdained for that, rather cherished for it.